LINGMERE, 22/3/15 ~ Sumo 'does it his way'

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Some of you may notice a different writing style to this week's blog as Yozzer, our usual scribe, is too busy catching up on a Sky-plussed season of the Jeremy Kyle Show to write it himself. Watching Jeremy is the only way he can keep up with what his close family and friends have been up to recently.
With an influx of new members and Lingmere's well deserved reputation as a decent fishery, 24 members turned out. Unfortunately, the weather and the sheer number of anglers conspired against us, with a sharp frost, clear skies and nearly every peg used.
After the usual top notch breakfast, cooked and served by the lovely Jan, the draw was done and members took to their pegs with the usual mix of loud groans and half-concealed smiles.
As expected, by those with any brains at least, things started slowly in the bright, still conditions.
On peg 29 in G section, Sumo had two venue regulars to contend with in the shape of retired (retarded?) double act Yozzer and Harrop Senior. Managing to ignore most of their advice, he finally managed to put a decent number of F1s and small carp together by long-lining pellet shallow at 13 and 14 metres. Following Nick's advice, he even caught a few down the edge. Would have been nicer if Nick had told him about the bloody big snag in the edge, which cost him 3 hooks!!! Still, Nick's rendition of 'I did it my way' proved that the X-Factor doesn't have a monopoly on people with voices like a fucked Ford alternator. Sumo's final tally was 41lb 03oz, enough to take first on the day.
Meanwhile, in E Section, on peg 20, Dirk the Wiggler managed to catch enough hazy glimpses of his float / quiver tip through the massive clouds of his vapour fag to put together 31lb 09oz to take the first runner up position. About 10lb of that total was a carp too big to fit into Dirk's Lidl landing net so the Cookie Monster on the next peg, and in the same section, stepped in to help by lending Dirk his net. At the weigh in Dirk beat Cookie by less than 7lb. DOH!
In B Section on peg 7, Jamie Pickup managed to get over the embarrassment of using the same pole for the third match in a row and put 30lb 08oz in the onion bags for a well deserved third place.
An honourable mention must go to Pato in A Section, who, after much recent venue coaching, and finally deciding not to use his usual badly cast Method / bomb, went for a pole only approach. Either side of him, Andy (the Butler) and Dave (he's not my dad) Harrop both went with the method / bomb and showed the big fella how it should be done. Dave took the section with 21lb 12oz and earned himself Pato's undying admiration as a 'Tip Wanker'.
C Section was taken by Paul Cargill who, after a recent absence, decided he needed some cash and the easiest way to score it was to turn up at an Eggy match and fish half tidily in a tough section for 10lb 07oz. Well done Paul and great to see you on the bank.
Over in D Section, Lee Pickup managed to show venue regular and new member Big Ears (but small brain) Jackson how it should be done with a section winning 12lb 04oz.
F Section was taken by John Rogers with 23lb 11oz off a normally poor corner peg. In the same section as Daddy Pickup and Storming Norman Smith, John probably knew he'd only need about 8lb to win but decided to batter them anyway.
Personally I found it strange how all the regulars at the Wednesday Coffin Dodgers matches seem to struggle when presented with an opposition field that doesn't have prostate problems and has to spend half the match pissing..... or trying to.
See you at Blundells boys.  ANON.

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Note from The Gnome: Thought it might be an idea to let others have a bash at the blog. A superb first attempt from Anonymous. If anyone else fancies having a go please let me know.